


Touch

by angelswatchingover



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Time, M/M, Post-Season/Series 10, Touch-Starved, so many feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-09 19:38:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4361645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelswatchingover/pseuds/angelswatchingover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean loves being taken care of. He will just never, ever admit it out loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch

Dean loves being taken care of. He will just never, ever admit it out loud. He has spent his whole life taking care of others - Dad, Sammy, hell even Mom sometimes! So it just feels wrong, selfish somehow, to crave any of that for himself. But, Jesus, he loves it anyway, despite himself. He loves it when someone is thoughtful enough to give him a gift. It’s only happened a few times in his life and it’s always been Sammy. Unless the homemade Samulet from Marie counts. It now sits on his nightstand as a reminder of not how much Sam means to him (he doesn’t need an amulet for that) but of how much his life’s work means to others. He loves being held, having fingers slide through his hair and delicate kisses brushed against his skin. Cassie was fantastic as this. Hell, maybe that’s why he fell so quickly for her.

And he really loves that warm tingly feeling that rushes through his body every time Cas cures him. It used to always be the two fingers to the forehead and even that Dean tried to secretly pretend was a caress as the grace coursing through his body warmed him and gave him butterflies. He could pretend it was more because he had watched Cas cure other people and he knew that no touch was even required. Cas could do the glowy hand-hover trick and fix people up fine without any contact. Hell, that’s how Gadreel cured everyone. So Dean liked to tell himself that Cas used the forehead tap with him because he wanted to touch as much as Dean wanted to be touched. But he also knew he way lying to himself.

Until recently.

Lately, when Cas cures him it’s different. Ever since that time in the crypt when Cas cured him not with a touch but with a caress, Dean has found himself wanting more. Castiel’s hand, warm and comforting as it held his jaw was a hit of heroin for him. In that moment, the touch was so careful and loving and full of feeling and it was everything Dean had been craving for so long. And when he stood up and asked Cas what broke the connection, he could barely hear Cas’ answer over the sound of his own heartbeat rapidly pounding in his ears. He wanted so badly for Cas to say it was him, that he was enough, that Cas loved him enough to break out of Naomi’s control.

So when Cas had said he didn’t know and flitted off again with a flap of his wings, Dean felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest as it reached for Cas, who was probably a thousand miles away in the blink of an eye. 

Dean doesn’t give his heart easily so ever since then he has been careful, refusing to let himself hope. He had to force himself to stay angry at Cas after they found him bleeding in the middle of the road. When everything in him wanted to bandage the guy up just to touch his skin, Dean forced himself to not give in, to keep up that protective wall around his heart.

When Cas was human it took everything Dean had to let him walk up to his boss’ house for a date. Hell, he came so close to telling Cas how he felt, but at the last second he chickened out and pretended he stopped Cas to give him dating advice. And once again, he felt like his heart stayed behind with the guy as he drove away, the angel still standing awkwardly on the doorstep with a rose behind his back. And if he stood outside of the Gas-n-Sip the next morning, watching Cas like a goddamned teenaged girl for a little too long, well no one ever had to know how fucking much that hurt.

And then came the damn Mark of Cain, which made his feelings towards his best friend so much easier to ignore. It whispered in his head that he was worthless, a blunt killing tool, and that no one - not his brother and certainly not Cas - should ever care for him the way he has always secretly desired. So every time Sam tried or Cas tried is just pissed him off. What good would them taking care of him do now that he could barely feel anything but pain and anger and fear anyway?

But the Mark is gone now. He is no longer invincible and it’s like someone turns the feelings floodgate back on the first time Cas touches him. It’s after a simple hunt and, really, he doesn’t need angelic magic to fix a few scrapes and a twisted ankle. In fact, he is standing alone in his room, opening up the first aid kit, when Cas comes in and looks him over slowly.

“I’m fine, Cas, you don’t have to-”

But Cas is going to be Cas and there’s no way the angel is going to leave Dean’s wounds untended. He should tell Cas no, he really should. But he is tired of fighting it and, with the Mark gone he can feel for the first time in over a year. Those old butterflies are back and his heart is pounding and, God, he’s just so damned crazy about this angel. So when Cas reaches towards him with an open hand instead of two fingers he can’t help but lean into the caress.

It feels like heaven. No wait, it’s better. He’s been to heaven and that wasn’t so great. This feels like home and family and the comfort of Baby purring around him. He feels that odd relief that always comes the moment his cuts no longer sting and his ankle no longer throbs. Involuntarily, his body relaxes, his eyes flutter closed, and he lets out an embarrassingly soft sigh as he lets Cas’ grace wash over him, through him, around him. Cas must feel the change because he freezes and tries to pull back but Dean’s own hand flies up to cover Cas’ and hold it against his cheek.

He opens his eyes and Cas is standing in front of him, blue eyes wide as he tries to read the intent of Dean’s actions. Fuck! Dean immediately feels awkward and regrets that his stupid body wants something he knows he shouldn’t.

“S-sorry, Cas,” he says quietly as he lets go of the angel’s hand, dropping his own to his side.

He expects Cas to pull his hand back, to turn around and leave him standing alone in his room. But instead, against everything his mind is telling him, Cas stays where he is. He tilts his head a bit but he doesn’t pull his hand back. Instead, he slowly slides it down to Dean’s neck.

“Dean, do you want this?” Cas asks and the surprise in his voice stings.

Want this? Want doesn’t begin to describe his feelings. It’s like a hunger inside of him, the hunger of a man starved for far too long. A hunger for something that he hasn’t had, not really, since he was four years old. Does he want comfort and safety and care? Could he allow himself to bask in another’s loving touch?

Dean swallows and tries to say something. But he is terrified. He is afraid that if he says the wrong thing, Cas will pull his hand away and he will lose the warmth of the man’s hand. What can he even say? What if he tells Cas that he has yearned for something more from the angel for years now? Will Cas leave? And even more terrifying, will he stay?

Both men stand frozen for a long, heavy moment, both afraid to make a sudden move, like a standoff with a spooked animal. It is finally Dean’s want that wins. When his desire to be cared for outweighs his fear of rejection, he slowly moves his hand, bringing it up to graze the back of his fingers lightly over the hand hanging at Cas’ side. The angel sucks in a startled breath and lets it out again in a stuttered sigh. And, yeah, Dean knows that sound, that reaction, and it gives him the courage to keep moving.

He takes a slight step forward and traces his hand up, up, Cas’ arm until he cups his face and leans forward to press their lips together. It’s short and tentative but still enough to make his already thumping heart feel like it is going to explode out of his chest.

“Yeah,” he says as he pulls back, “I want this.”

And Cas, the weirdo, is standing there staring at him. He never even closed his eyes for the kiss. And something about that is just so adorable because it’s so Cas. Dean watches as a satisfied smile works its way from Cas’ mouth to his eyes that crinkle with beautiful crow’s feet at the corners. It nearly takes Dean’s breath away to see the angel like this, happy and brimming with human emotion.

And suddenly, it’s like Cas just knows what Dean needs because his hands both come up to skim through the short hair on the back of Dean’s neck as he pulls the hunter down for another kiss. And in a moment, Dean gets lost in the kiss. It’s everything he always wanted and nothing like he imagined. He never imagined he would be kissing a guy (OK - well maybe he imagined it in the deepest darkest recesses of his mind - but he never thought those fantasies could actually come to life). This is different. Cas is tall and strong and his stubble scratches Dean in a new way that for some reason is one hell of a turn on.

Cas is still an angel, something that’s easy to forget when he is hanging around helping with a hunt. But when he is this close, a solid powerful force against Dean, he can feel the ancient being inside this vessel like a low hum of static electricity. It’s warm and soothing but somehow also sets every cell in his body alive.

And finally, finally, Dean gets to indulge in the feeling of being taken care of by someone who loves him. Castiel turns out to be everything he ever dreamed of and more. The angel takes him to bed, and with strong, confident hands, he tears down every one of Dean’s fears. Cas kisses him and kisses him, sometimes deep and passionate, sometimes soft and tender. Cas covers his body in feather light kisses as he whispers words of praise and love into Dean’s skin until he is so covered that the words finally absorb and settle under his skin like a permanent tattoo. Cas touches him in places he had barely dared to think about and he refuses to let Dean feel shame or fear. He completely loses himself in Cas as he lets himself feel joy and pleasure and love, his head thrown back in ecstasy, arms and legs wrapped shamelessly around his angel.

His insecurities begin to try to slink back into his mind as they lay together afterward and he feels himself bristle when Cas slides behind him and wraps his arm around Dean’s middle. But even then, Cas won’t let them take hold. He mouths at the back of Dean’s neck and nuzzles his nose into Dean’s hair and pulls him closer. And when he breathes adoring words, telling Dean that he is beautiful and worthy and wanted, Dean finally lets himself relax.

Yes, Dean loves being taken care of. And maybe, after spending a lifetime of caring for every one else, he can let himself luxuriate in Cas’ affections, even if it means being the little spoon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought. I love feedback. It helps to motivate me and make me a better writer.
> 
> Also, I'd love to interact with you on Tumblr. You can find me at [AngelsWatchingOver.Tumblr.com](http://angelswatchingover.tumblr.com/)


End file.
